something i wrote months ago.

06-11-09

Maybe it’s hard for me to be truthful and honest
Maybe it’s still here, and I’m at time’s hardest.
I’m slowly getting back on my feet, though I’ve noticed
I’m back where I started, it’s useless, I’m at my weakest.

I made myself believe that I don’t need you anymore
I’m trying to pick up these pieces, it’s my heart that you have torn.
I pushed you out of my life, like I have and done before
But you’re pulling me back in, when I don’t need you anymore.

I’m back to where I started, it’s too late, I can’t reverse it
And maybe I still think about you, it’s just hard for me to admit it.
You were off my mind for a while, but now you’re here to stay again
I’m hoping to let go again—just let me go, don’t wait until then.

Everything is a mess, and there are many things I regret
Like you, for example, our eyes have still not met.
It’s time for me to move on; forget, and stay strong
I have tried so hard, to hold back these tears this long.

I’ll try to erase you, and the existence of you completely
But the more I come across you, I dream of you, but just briefly.
We’re going our separate ways, our hearts continue to part away
I’m trying to let go, but It’s the same at the end of the day.

All I need to know is that I’m something you’ll be missing
Why do you have to be the one I can only dream of having?
Tears are the words only a broken heart can say
And you did as if it was nothing, as you walk with your pride on display.

I bet you’ll never remember, what I’ll never be able to forget,
I know time DOES heal, so close your eyes and rest your head.
The hardest things to say, are the ones that mean the most,
But words don’t mean a THING, you never wanted to keep me close.

I just wish I was able to say my last goodbyes
I know it’s already over, though we have never really tried.
I know I will see you, and one day we will meet eyes
And we’ll act like distant strangers, as we walk by every time.

I don’t know where to turn to, I’m running out of time
Wipe those tears away love, and hold your head up high.
Even the dark clouds sometimes covers the clear blue sky
And the morning Sun peaks beneath the horizon every sunrise.

Situations like these always works in mysterious ways
And though times will get worse, hold onto yourself through these days.
It’s foggy and hazy, but keep your eyes towards the Sun
Yes, it’s gloomy but it’s okay, even though it can’t be undone.

Don’t worry, it will pass, just lay down and rest your head
Everything’s in place, wipe those tear stains off your bed.
Countless, sleepless nights and trembling what could be ahead
Gently seal your tenderness, because some things are better left unsaid.

Just remember what you have-your prayers, and your thoughts
Keep your head towards the stars, though your hopes might seem lost.
Break away from these chains, it’s almost there I can feel it
I’m figuring out a way to find these pieces that actually fit.

Searching for simplicity, but complexity came instead
There’s a lot more than what meets the eye, take one look further ahead.
Every blessing is concealed, behind every burden and grief
With hard work comes happiness, then followed with knowledge and relief.

Just paint what you can‘t see, like the artist behind the brush
Creating from her imagination, trying to grasp what she can’t touch.
We all have many friends, but in the end we stand alone
Just remember who you are, and work your way up, on your own.

And again…..
Look past these dark clouds, and look towards the Sun
You‘re almost there love, just wait, that day will come.

enough said.

“I meet a lot of other boys.
Why are you calling them ‘boys’? they asked.
Because, I said. They are boys. They may be 29, or 31 but they are boys.
How do you tell if they are men? she asked.

“A man has a plan, I responded. A plan for his life, both personal and professional. Not only that, a man makes plans, to spend time with you. He does not want to “hang out” with you. A man is not ever photographed surrounded by a rotating cast of women each weekend, to be quickly tagged and uploaded onto facebook, as though he is starring in his own PG-13 rated version of Girls Gone Wild.”

i am so fuckn sick and tired of all these little immature boys running around like theyre the shit. im sick and tired of them going around, breaking a thousand hearts, and thinking about how many girls they want to score. what i hate the most about them is the fact how they are SO SELFISH. Its so pathetic how you people call yourselves “men.”

Everything isn’t what it appears to be. It really is important to read every page before you make assumptions about someone. First impressions don’t mean ANYTHING. It just creates this false impression of them, and it causes you to percieve them the way YOU want them to be like. It took me a while to figure it all out, and now I know the REAL you. I know what you’re hiding behind that mask you wear to impress those around you.

So many people have been pissing me off lately and it’s really getting on my last nerve. You really can’t trust ANYONE these days.

I don’t even know how to express my feelings through my fingers anymore, as I’m sitting in front of my computer right now. There are so many things I would like to write about, but it’s really hard to organize my thoughts in order, as of now. It’s strange, because this has never happened before. And even though my thoughts are distorted and cluttered, I have an urge to continue writing. I wish these emotions would just jolt out of my system all at once. I wish I knew all the right words to say. It used to be SO easy for me to write how I feel, but as of right now my mind is blank. I can’t truly spill my heart out as I used to for some reason. I still have difficulty grasping the concept of why it happened the way it did.

Countless days have passed…and I can still smell the fresh fragrance of your scent, and I can sense your presence everywhere I go. It feels like no matter what I do, you’re always there with me and I subconsciously think about you all day. There is an enormous hole in my heart that won’t stop growing, and I can feel the emptiness of what’s left of you. I can STILL feel the icy cold, lifeless arm dangling around my waist as you sit there while you tell her your endless lies. I can still feel, and hear you breathing on my neck as I feel the chills down my spine. And when you finally kissed her, what do you feel? My thoughts are vigorously pounding with fear. I can feel your carelessness from all the way over here. I can almost hear the air passing through the empty spaces of your heart, and I don’t think it will ever stop growing. My thoughts are thundering louder than before, can you hear?

You took a big part of me with you since the day you left, and it has never been the same since. No matter how hard I try to hate you, and leave you, I JUST CAN’T. I have convinced myself that I’m worth so much more, and I’m a better person than to linger on false hope, like some kind of fairy tale that will never come true. I guess my anger towards you is over now, and that was when reality struck me. I felt this endless, sharp pain my heart, and all the times I’ve hid and denied this, it kept growing inside of me. I was so confident that you weren’t important to me anymore, and I could just throw you out of my life because of all the pain you have caused. I hate to admit my failure, but no matter how much hatred I have for you, I still love you. Maybe I miss the sound of your voice, the touch of your hand, and that sweet, irresistible smile of yours. I guess you have won this time.

I thought I would have gotten over you by now because I know what kind of person you are. You’re everything I don’t want. You’re everything I hate. I thought that I would be the one to get over it eventually and come to the realization that I don’t need you anymore, but I can’t do anything to break this spell. I know you have moved on, and I probably don’t even mean anything to you. I’m just one of those insignificant people you forget within minutes after meeting them. I assumed I could just walk through this without falling apart, but every time I reassured myself, I realized deep down inside that I will always have love for you. I can’t seem to spill my heart out anymore because it’s getting more difficult to write these thoughts.

I still don’t fully understand what happened to us. Did you love me like I loved you? Or did you intentionally use me for your selfish needs? These are just some of the things I probably will never get the answer to, but either way, I still can’t get rid of these feelings for you. I don’t know why I do these things that remind me of you. What if I said you never mattered and I never lost a moment of sleep? What if I crushed all of your dreams and broke all the promises you swore to keep? Tell me how your life would be if I did to you what you did to me.